It’s All Fun And Games – Till Someone Loses An Eye
What could be more dangerous than traveling around the galaxy with a robot and a pedophile? How about everyday life in America!
Not too long ago, kids had guns, there were no seat belt laws, and life was theoretically dangerous. Rifles and bombs could be purchased by mail order. The speed limits were 75 mph, and rarely enforced. Folks drank plenty of alcohol, especially before driving – hence the phrase “one more for the road”.
It was a dangerous time to be alive, but millions survived. Here is a look at some of the unsafe and politically incorrect products that were popular with kids not so long ago…
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Picture this: a couple is driving their car down a two-lane rural road, doing about 70 mph. The woman is obviously pregnant, and both of them are smoking cigarettes. Both are also slightly intoxicated, passing a bottle of liquor back and forth. Between them, not in a car seat, stands a 3 year old child. Three more loose kids tumble around in the back seat. Nobody in the car is wearing a seat belt. A patrolman sitting at a service station sees the car barrel past him. He gives them a friendly wave, and goes back to reading a spy novel. It’s not as if they are breaking any laws. This is America, 1965. This is what it was really like.
A lot of kids used to ride in the front seat, often on their mother’s lap. Nobody wore seat belts. Drinking was normal, and it wasn’t unusual to get a little bit “happy” at the beach, and drive home tipsy, even for an expectant mom. The speed limit was 75, and speeding tickets were rare. Open containers of alcohol were common among drivers. Cops were friendly.
In those days, there was a certain element of danger involved in our lives. Of course, the most malevolent was the imminent danger of nuclear war breaking out with the Russians. We were trained how to react in case the nukes started to rain down from the skies. Hide under the desk at school. The desks were apparently made of some miraculous material that could protect you from nuclear radiation.
But everyday life was also more dangerous, especially for kids.
It must suck to be a kid nowadays. Back in the Glorious 60s I had toy guns that you could use in a real holdup, toys based on hotplates that could cause second degree burns, stuff that’d leave a welt at ten yards, dozens of things that could put your eye out… lawn darts. Remember lawn darts? G.I. Joe with Kung-Fu grip, pushing Viet Cong out of helicopters… “Maybe you want to talk now, huh Charlie?”
Every kid had at least one good sharp knife and a magnifying glass. Of course these knives were welcome at school as well. We didn’t have metal detectors at the school house.
Those of us who were Boy Scouts also had our own hatchets, machetes, matches, canteens, and other gear. We would build makeshift boats and cars out of spare parts and test these creations without helmets or fire extinguishers.
By the age of twelve, most boys had their first .22 rifle, for deer hunting. Of course, by then they had owned BB or pellet rifles for several years, and had thus learned to respect firearms.
Here are some of the most common toys kids played with, and some of the candy that was popular then:
SPY GEAR:
Now that the Cold War is over and my covert services are no longer needed, my extensive secret agent weapon armory can be safely disclosed. You see, I was an astronaut and space explorer in the sixties who was called into the spy game as well.
The most important item of all was the “Supersonic Ear”, because it enabled eavesdropping on a scale that was practically Ashcroftian. In fact, the toy was sold for one brief year before being pulled off the shelves. The company sold the manufacturing rights to a defense contractor, and little Army green military versions were sold to taxpayers for a lot more than the $7.95 toy originally cost.
You could easily hear a whispered conversation from over 50 yards away, and it also worked pretty good from outside of windows. The parents never realized what a bad idea it was to bring this thing into the house. There were no more secrets in the family that I didn’t become immediately aware of.
The second most important spy device I owned was a periscope called the “Super Snooper”. This was great for looking in windows, dressing rooms, and around any kind of corners. It was perfect for looking over privacy fences at topless sunbathers, something that was often dreamed about, but seldom achieved.
WEAPONS OF NEIGHBORHOOD DESTRUCTION
Being a boy, I had guns. Guess what? I haven’t killed anyone or committed a felony with one yet. Go figure.
When our first son was little my wife resisted buying him weapon toys for the longest time, until we noticed he was making guns out of Duplos, sticks, and even bananas. Imagine my surprise one day when my wife arrived home from shopping with my son, who was brandishing the He-Man Masters of the Universe sword. “gave in, huh?” I asked, smiling. Anyone who is the parent of boys and girls can tell you this “Nurture vs. nature” argument is a no-brainer. Toy stores, who unapologetically separate the aisles by sex, know better, too.
Most guys had a fearsome arsenal of weapons to choose from. In those days, toy guns were made to look as realistic as possible. My Crosman BB gun was a replica of the M-1 carbine, used by Patton’s Army. I had a .007 James Bond cap pistol equipped with a silencer. I never wondered “why in hell would you want a silencer on a cap pistol?” I owned several bow and arrow sets that had real arrows. There were tomahawks as well. I remember spring-loaded pistols that fired plastic bullets that could easily put out an eye. For bombs we used water balloons. Sometimes we even used frozen water balloons, and those can really hurt when dropped from a tree.
THE TERRAIN
Most kids today play in a very controlled environment. That’s not how it used to be. We played in the woods, the water, wherever we found ourselves. Even playgrounds were filled with hazards. The teeter-totter was a malicious device that taught children not to trust one another. Swingsets and monkeybars were notoriously dangerous. Kids today have to crawl around in hampster trails – we built ramshackle treehouses out of scrap lumber and rusty nails. We had bullies then, and when you’d say something about it to your father, he’d teach you a few boxing moves and send you out to fight. Can you imagine today’s parents sending their kid out to kick some ass?
The pinnacle of danger experienced by a kid was the rescue of a toy. Whenever a balsa airplane, frisbee, ball, or kite would go astray, it would have to be retrieved. This might mean climbing onto the roof, or into a tall tree, or entering a yard that contained a snarling bulldog. It was always dangerous.
At lakes and pools, there were high diving boards. People often got hurt jumping from them. There were innumerable “swimming holes” which were uncharted and unsupervised. The closest thing to a safety measure was the parents making you wait a half hour after eating before you could go back in the snake-infested water without getting cramps.
AUNTS & UNCLES
The worst toys always came from aunts and uncles. They’d always buy something you had outgrown. In my case, my Aunt Marilyn bought me a Partridge Family Coloring Book when I was 15, and already a pothead Grateful Dead fan. Games like Parcheesi always came from aunts and uncles.
My Aunt Rita bought me a silly toy called the “Super Helmet Seven” when I was 13 years old. It consisted of a hard plastic hat with a flashlight attached. Of course, I wouldn’t wear it, and it got tossed in a closet until I was 19, and in college. One night, some friends and I decided to investigate the mysterious mushrooms growing in the vicinity of a herd of local cattle, and that is where the SH-7 saved the day. After that, I used the hat only during such research expeditions, and it served me in that capacity well into my 20s.
CREATURES
I guess the only living creatures sold as “toys” these days are Chia Pets, which are actually just a plant. It galls me to know that last year, tens of thousands of parents in the USA presented their child with a “Learn About Puberty Chia Pet”. This is a subject that ought to be taught by someone who is not a plant. We didn’t have plants in my day, we had Sea Monkeys.
Sea Monkeys are a type of brine shrimp that wake up and start multiplying when you drop them in a glass of water. They’re not much to look at, though.
Somewhere along the line, some wisenheimer drank a glass of them, and they multiplied inside his body, bursting his intestines and killing him. Since then, you can’t get good Sea Monkeys anymore.
There were also ant-farms, which were popular for awhile. The ones made by Reach Co. of Columbus, Ohio were great except for one problem: the ants were actually termites. Eventually, every one of these was dumped out in the back yard of someone’s house.
BAD GAMES
We played dodgeball, a vicious game where everyone gets in a circle and symbolically murders the outcast one who is “it”. Being “it” was never cool in any game. What kind of message does dodgeball teach a kid? Or how about the politically incorrect “cowboys and Indians”, or “Hungry Hungry Hippos” game? What did these games teach, greed and hatred?
Some of you might remember “The Game of Life” by Milton Bradley. This game did not predict a successful existence for me as I normally wound up in the Poorhouse. One problem seemed to be that family planning played no part in this game; I kept getting the pin-like kids at random to stick in the limited seating of those little 1950’s-style cars. (and, naturally, we named the girls “Peg.” The wife pins were named for whomever it was we had crushes on at the time.) Still, it did not go unnoticed by me that one way to increase one’s net wealth at the end of the game was to take the college route – something I did in real life. So I guess I have Art Linkletter, who “heartily” endorsed the game, to thank. (by the way, I have four children. None of them are named Peg. But I guess there’s still the possibility that I could wind up in the Poorhouse.)
OTHER TOYS
There were all kinds of things you could send off for. The most famous of these was the X-Ray Specs, which didn’t really work, I am sorry to say. My older brother had a pair he bought for $1. For 25¢ he would allow someone to look through them. He probably made about $20 before he got his ass kicked by one of his victims.
There were the “Magic Color Clouds”, which were actually a type of smoke bomb that caused a large billowing cloud of purplish smoke. They were sold in packs of 4 for $1, and were pretty funny to see when used creatively. Stink Bombs were also cheap and readily available.
The Sonic Blaster was what I called my “master blaster of disaster”. It created a noise that rattled windows a block off. It looked like some kind of military gear. Although it didn’t come with projectiles, kids soon figured out that a tennis ball could be launched several hundred feet. This device is one that could be effectively used by terrorists as a launcher.
Consumer reports immediately rated this toy as “don’t buy” because it could obviously cause severe instantaneous hearing loss. Nevertheless, millions were sold.
Can you imagine how many police would show up if you went out in the yard to play with one nowadays?
And then there was Fester’s Light Bulb. Ah, dear Uncle Fester. From the Addams Family TV series. This plastic light bulb was powered by one AA size battery and a flashlight bulb, contained within a non-breakable plastic full-sized light bulb.
The trick in lighting the bulb was to make an electrical connection between the bottom of the metal lamp base and the side. You could do this by using concealed aluminum foil or by using your tongue if you wanted to practice the authentic Uncle Fester method.
One of the great dangers of this toy was that the bulb base was not reverse threaded. This allowed the 1.5 volt battery operated bulb to be easily screwed into any 110 volt light socket! Knowing this toy might cause a possible fire or electrocution would most certainly evoke a sly smile on the faces of the entire Addams clan.
There was a toy called “Clackers” that consisted of two glass balls on a string. The object was to spin the balls around in opposing directions, causing them to strike each other. This toy was potentially lethal, and made an excellent garrote or bolo as well. In fact, they were used in at least one Mafia hit in Chicago in the early 1970s. They were only popular for a few months, then unceremoniously yanked from stores after dozens of deaths and injuries.
PLAYING DOCTOR
Little Doctor kits were common, as well as nurse kits. For the little Romeos of the family, nothing could beat having two crucial items: A doctors bag, and a Twister game. These two toys probably have done more for sex education than any other inventions. I played so much Doctor as a child, my nickname all through high school was “Doc”.
There were also chemistry sets back then that contained a lot more than rubbing alcohol and baking soda. Used to be, they had different types of acids and stuff with skulls on the label. You can still buy these kind in Mexico, but not in the US. I remember my brother had a chemistry set that would make a hellacious crystal meth lab. It had tubes, burners, beakers, and everything a kid could want to create his own ecological nightmare. Lots of kids had them.
Then there was “Beany”, pictured here. I don’t remember what cartoon he came from, why he had a sea monster as a companion, or why his name was Beany. I do remember that he was one of the first toys that repeated what you said to him.
My version got broken, and stopped recording. It was always stuck on the phrase “Don’t mess with that”. For years he sat on a shelf with his insane grin, looking at me as I lie in bed. Slowly, inexorably, the little bastard was driving me insane with his arched brows, goofy grin, and limited vocabulary. Please note the family resemblance to “Chucky” from the “Childs Play” movies. Because he was a gift from my Grandma, I had to keep him until I was grown. Eventually I tossed him into a dumpster. His last words were “Don’t mess with that”.
The Handy Dandy Ten In One Scope was a magnifying glass, compass, telescope, microscope, gyroscope, pedometer, binoculars, wind gauge, nail-clippers, and rectal thermometer all in one little package for $3.99! Combined with a Swiss Army knife, a fellow really could save the world.
The Magic 8 Ball was pretty popular. Unlike your parents, who could keep answering “no” a million times, this device would eventually give you the answer you wanted. If you ever got pissed off and threw it on the floor, it bled a thick blue fluid and died.
Other things we had and used included woodburning kits, which were shock, burn, and fire hazards to say the least. Little girls played with “jacks”, which were made of steel and could puncture your foot if you stepped on one. They came equipped with a little rubber ball that was the exact size needed to asphyxiate a child. Slingshots were common, and mostly used ball-bearings for ammo. These little pocket devices could launch a lethal projectile for a long distance, and with a little practice, could also be very accurate. Most kids had mini-bikes, and there were plenty of horrendous crashes with these. Those with regular bikes built ramps and jumped them like Evel Kneivel, often with painful results. Makeshift tire swings were found all over the place, tied to untrustworthy branches with rope that eventually rotted and gave way at some inopportune time. Kids played sandlot baseball with hard balls and wooden bats. There were no batting helmets. There were no catchers masks.
PARENTS WERE DIFFERENT TOO
The main difference was not the toys or the places where kids played – it was the parents. Parents in those days told horrifying tales about boogie men who would come and take you away, the man with the golden arm, the Sandman, and other creepy people who threatened harm.
They were not afraid of going to jail for whipping a child’s ass. It was part of their job. Nobody ever called the law – in fact, they would have been lectured to mind their own business if they had done so. Most of this discipline was done out of love and compassion, by decent people who wanted to raise good kids, and nobody was hurt.
Today’s kids aren’t as scared of their fathers as we were. My dad could whip the bark off an oak tree with his belt, and knowing this kept me out of trouble for years at a time. In fact, I only received three whippings from him in my life, and I still remember all three of them plainly.
Any time there was some nefarious plan, my primary consideration was always “what if Dad finds out?”, and it was often enough to keep me straight.
JOBS FOR KIDS
There used to be ads in the comic books for kids to earn extra money by selling flower seeds, greeting cards, and other items. Instead of paying cash, these outfits awarded prizes. I remember selling Christmas cards for some such outfit to get my first guitar. I had to sell 12 boxes full of the lousiest Christmas cards I’ve ever seen, and then it took almost six months to get a cheesy Taiwanese guitar.
Another way of raising cash was to round up coke bottles and return them for the deposit money. The problem was, not all stores accepted all types of bottles. Nehi, Patio, RC, and Frostie soda bottles were some of the most difficult to convert to cash, usually requiring a long bicycle ride and several stops.
Allowances used to be pretty small, and always were based on doing serious chores, like mowing the yard with a manual lawnmower (remember those?) or some other Herculean task. My dad never broke out above $5 per week, so I started my first newspaper, available on my street only, called “The Sand Pebble”, printed on an old manual Remington typewriter with carbon paper. Sold ads for $1 a week.
One year we had a new kid move into the neighborhood from New York City. This kid was full of schemes to make money. He was streetwise, and always had an angle.
A couple of miles from home, there was a place in an alleyway behind a tavern where men used to play dice under a streetlight in the evening. One night we hid behind some bushes and blew a loud whistle, shouting “cops!”. The men skedaddled, leaving several dollars behind on the ground. We scooped up the money and rode off on our bicycles, laughing our heads off. A few days later we tried again. This time, the men came after us, and threw rocks at us. If they’d have caught us, we’d have been hurt bad, maybe killed.
SNACK TIME
Candy certainly has changed during the last few years. I can remember getting my own pack of Candy Cigarettes on many occasions, and when mom or dad lit up, I’d pull out my pack and puff along with them.
Candy cigarettes tasted kind of like toothpaste, and had a red tip to simulate the flame. I guess they were made of solid sugar. In fact, I got such a strong sugar buzz off the candy smokes, I had to start smoking real cigarettes just to calm me down again. Maybe that was the plan all along.
Of course, back then you could watch the Flintstones cartoon, sponsored by Winston Cigarettes. A commercial would come on in which Betty, Barney, Fred, and Wilma all light up Winstons, and talk about how good they taste.
I remember going into a tavern with my dad. While he drank a beer and smoked a cigarette, I drank a root beer, nibbled on a candy cigarette, and felt very sophisticated and grown up.
There were other candies that were dental nightmares. Turkish Taffy, Now & Laters, and Charleston Chew all had the capability of wrenching a molar right out of your head if you had a slight mishap while eating them. Jawbreakers could and often did break teeth.
TELEVISION
On kids TV, the good guys did drugs and/or were violent and dishonest. Underdog took “Super Energy Pills”. All of the top cartoons were filled with horrendous acts of violence and outright thievery. Tom & Jerry, Bugs Bunny, Porky Pig, and the Disney characters all had moments of brutality, racism, and substance abuse. Drunks were portrayed as sympathetic characters, certainly not as criminals.
WE DID EVERYTHING WRONG
These things have been done away with, having been judged wrong by our world. Candy cigarettes, toy guns, and ass-whippings are bad. You can’t trust a kid with a knife, let alone an axe or God forbid, a gun. Safety measures have closed down the swimming holes and skating rinks. Kids wear helmets to ride bicycles in their own driveways now. We are wiser.
But somehow, I don’t think we are any safer now than we were then. In those days we worried about Russian nukes, now it’s terrorists who concern us. Seems less safe to me.
Thirty years ago, experts first started recommending taking toy guns away from kids. This obviously hasn’t done any measurable good. The pent up aggression makes it even worse.
In the 70’s, corporal punishment started becoming criminalized. Parents have become increasingly reluctant to discipline their kids since then. This too has seemingly backfired, with uncontrollable teens committing more crimes.
Maybe we ought to reexamine the safety premise here. Maybe America is safer if every 12 year old has a hunting rifle and knows how to load and shoot it. Maybe boys ought to own and carry pocketknives. Girls too. Seems like the terrorists would have one hell of a time attacking us if we were all armed to the teeth and able to defend ourselves.
All of these things have been done away with to protect us from our own mistakes. In making us safer from ourselves, we have gone too far, and made ourselves vulnerable to others.
People were a lot less paranoid when the primary dangers presented in life were dangers of their own making. A small child in those days experienced more liberty and freedom then than an adult does in today’s world.
GATOR
